I feel like this is a dreaded topic. When the words dating, marriage or relationship come up, we automatically tune out. Or maybe that's just me...
Recently however, I have found that there is a lot we can learn about ourselves and those we are attempting to have a relationship with by looking at these topics through different eyes.
The author and public speaker, John Van Epp has some wonderful insights regarding relationships. One of his ideas that impacted me was his equation on really knowing someone. He stated it as the following:
TOGETHER [This includes a wide variety of shared activities.]
TALK [Not just chit-chat, but Mutual Self-Disclosure]
+ TIME [He has an idea that you cannot begin to know someone until you have been together at least 3 months.]
---------------------------------------
KNOW
Another idea I have heard is four seasons and a road trip. Each individual responds differently in different circumstances and situations. A great way to really find out if you know someone is to see them in different seasons as well as enjoying a nice long road trip together where all you have to do is sing along with the radio and listen to each other talk. There is more you need to know about a person beside how well they can cook or how well someone studies (when you are around). Really get to know you they are to-the-core.
Van Epp also created what he calls the RAM diagram. It is the following:
KNOW TRUST RELY COMMIT TOUCH
- - - - -
x - - - -
- x - - -
- - x - -
- - - x -
- - - - x
- - - - -
Explanation:
This is the order in which your relationship should progress. You need to know someone before you can trust them. The more you get to know them the more you either trust them or know to distrust them.
Once you have built a foundation of trust, you know you can rely on them. Once you continue your relationship-you are always getting to know them better-you can truly commit yourself to someone. Then and only then you can move forward with the last progression step.
Why is touch the last?
The feelings that come with touching- whether that means holding hands, hugging, locking lips, or cuddling affect the way we think. If the physical aspect of the relationship is good, we have the ability to put up "blinders"for the other things that are important.
I ave really enjoyed learning from John Van Epp. I think he really has something. This is just the beginning of what he has to teach us.
If you are interested in any additional information regarding John Van Epp or his insights and theories regarding such topics, I would recommend looking into reading his book, How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk. You can find out more about this book through the following short video.
John Van Epp: How to avoid falling in Love with a Jerk
Marianne Williamson
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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