Divorce & Remariage

My parents divorced when I was five years old. My experience was different from some as this event in our history is celebrated rather than sad.  

I have dreamed many dreams about my mom remarrying and having a daddy. It has been my fantasy to join my mom and my 'perfect' step dad at the alter in the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. Me and my seven siblings would be adopted by this perfect man and we would live happily ever after with more love and forehead kisses than we could have imagined.

This was the plan. The perfect plan.

I am sure you already know that life never goes as planned or expected. It actually took fifteen years-75% of my life for my mom to find me a daddy. By this time I am out of the house and over eighteen so there is no point to legally adopt. My older siblings are sealed to their spouses and families so there is no point for that either. 

It's not that my Heavenly Father is a dream crusher. At first, I will admit, I may have thought that, but in fact-everything has worked out the way it was and is meant to. My mom was sealed to her husband just over two weeks ago. I am working to create a safe and beautiful relationship with the man I now have the privilege to call dad.

It isn't what I had planned, but it works. 

Research suggests that it takes at least two years for combined families to become one. I believe that to be true and it will most likely be the case for many of my siblings. For them my dad will most likely be what a step parent is supposed to be- a warm, friendly, fantastic and exceptional communicator, counselor, and friend. 

Purposes of Parenting

Parenting is meant to protect & prepare our children to strive & thrive in the world we live in.

Child's
Mistaken                                                                                                     Parental
Approach:                                              Need:                                           Approach:

Undue attention                                Contact & Belonging                   Offer Contact Freely
Seeking

Rebellion                                           Power                                         Teach children to
Controlling                                                                                            contribute

Revenge                                             Protection                                 Assertiveness & Forgiveness
                                                                                                            (How do we teach this? - model                                                                                                                it, encourage it & accept it.)

Undue Avoidance                              Withdrawal                              Take a break & Come back

Undue Risk Taking                            Challenge                                 Model & encourage skill building


Parenting is not just for children.
Parents:
*develop divine attributes
*learn how to understand children
*have a better understanding of God
*provides order to our lives
*facilitates Maturation

Children:
*individual needs
*support system
*fill attachment needs
*growth focus
*inter-generational connections

Parents can change the world.

Fathers and Forehead kisses.

A controversial topic in our lives today is the role of fathers. The world is starting to lean toward not needing fathers at all. All they do or can do is impregnate women anyway right? Isn't that right?

I disagree. Wholeheartedly.

I have spent my entire life without a father in my home. My biological father is not what a father is intended to be. Rather than providing, protecting and presiding, he caused damage. He did things that it has taken me my hole life to move passed so that I could start moving forward.
My parents were divorced when I was young. Since then, I have been searching for the love of a father. The love only a father can give you. The one that provides safety, a shoulder, love for my mother, and forehead kisses.
I have craved that love and thought I would never be blessed with such a blessing.

Until one day, my eyes were opened. I was speaking with a woman whom I love dearly. I had talked previously with a man whom, although he has no obligation to do so, has stepped in to show me love and support in my life. While speaking with this sweet woman, she recalled a conversation she had had with the man I was speaking with earlier. As their conversation progressed, this man turned to this woman and said, "I feel so bad for the man who decided not to have Jorja for his daughter."

As you can probably guess, I started to weep. I noticed for the first time, something I had not thought of before. My father is suffering just as much, if not more for the choices he made to get him where he is. He is at a loss. He is the one missing out.

After this experience, I looked at my father in a hole new light. Instead of anger, I felt compassion. Instead of hurt, I felt gratitude. Instead of hate-forgiveness.
My father, biology aside, is not a father. He is not my father.

A father is meant to preside, provide, and protect. He is meant to love and be loved.

I have many fathers in my life. Men that do more than fulfill their own family obligations. No, they go far past above and beyond. They do all they can for their families and then they look elsewhere to fill in any gaps left by another.

Communication

Within every type of communication there is a step by step process. This can happen almost instantly or within an amount of time.
The steps include the following process. Person 1 expresses some form of communication. That communication is encoded with some form of medium which is then decoded by person 2. Person 2 has a thought or feeling in response to the communication they decoded. Then with another form of medium, their response is encoded to person 1 and the process continues over and over again.

The problem with our communication is that it is so easy to take things in a way that they were not meant. Especially through the different mediums we have in our day (email, text, over the phone, in person).

This is when the five secrets (that aren't so secret) of communication come in handy.
The five secrets come in 3 parts -E(Empathy) A(Assertiveness) R(Respect)

Empathy:
1. Disarming Technique [Find a Kernel of truth in what is said or communicated & focus on that.]
2. Empathy [Thought & feeling of emotions]
3. Inquiry [This is a gentle inquiry to understand what was being communicated.]

Assertiveness:
4. I Feel Statement. [When...............I feel...................because..................... I would like................]

Respect:
5. Expressing genuine appreciation & admiration

It can be easy to respond with anger to communication from others. Instead, I would challenge you to use these steps and secrets. I know it may seem awkward or uncomfortable in the beginning, but the more you practice these things, the better and more comfortable you will become. I promise you, something good will come of this.

It's All In The Way We Perceive

Ruben Hill has a four piece theory for crisis events and/or stress in our lives.
His theory, called ABCX looks like this:

His thinking in creating this model is that our life events do not create stress; Our feelings toward such events create the results we have made them to be.

Samuel Clemens said, "I have suffered many catastrophes in my life. Many of which never occurred."
In many cases we are perceiving experiences as having a greater impact than need be.

For example,
I was chatting with my sister the other day about how things were going. She confided in me that she was full of anger and resentment toward another of our sisters for giving her advice and putting a foot in her life as though she could not handle it herself. She said, "She thinks she has things all figured out, and because her life is perfect and mine isn't, she has to fix me and organize my life."
My advice for this sister was to talk to the sister that was bothering her and tell her how her words had hurt her.
She followed this advice and returned to me later saying that she had perceived it all wrong. The sister she had been angry with was only sharing her concern and love for her sister. She had been through a similar situation and hoped to be of some help.
What was perceived as mean and hurtful was meant to be full of love and care for her sister.

In order to avoid stress or having our life experiences becoming a crisis is to teach ourselves to react differently. To react the way we would want to if we were able to step back and see the hole picture.
Start small, rather than responding with tears-try smiling. Instead of telling yourself you are going to fail your test, tell your face to tell your head that you will try your best. Instead of seeing your sister as big-headed and arrogant, try giving her a hug and telling her you love her.
Think twice before responding how you normally would.

It is not our fault that we have these misconceptions. We have probably learned to do this throughout our other life experiences. What we need to do now is have our thought and then change our feelings regarding that thought. It will become easier with practice.

When is the Right Time to Start Teaching Your Kids??

The Birds and the Bees.
This is most often a (singular) talk that many parents are apprehensive and concerned about. Why wouldn't they be? If this is something that was not commonly talked about in your home as a child, I can see how anyone would be anxious to bring it up.
In my own home, I remember one conversation my mom had with all eight of us at the same time. We were all at different ages and therefore different levels of understanding. At the time I was between nine and ten years old. Having this conversation was incredibly uncomfortable for me. So much so that I felt sick to my stomach. I was getting more and more agitated by the things I was hearing and of course there had to be that one sibling who wouldn't stop asking questions...

This is not how it needs to be. There are better ways!
Professionals have stated that children need to start learning these important life facts by age 4, if not earlier.
The next most often asked question is. "How?" "How do we go about it?" "How is this done?"

Step 1: Teach your children how precious they are to you.
This does not mean just showing them by doing things for them that they don't always recognize as acts of love. Actually Tell them how you feel.

Step 2: Train yourself to Be Honest-Don't swerve around the words that the world teaches us to have "shy away" feelings about. Use proper terms and names, do not make up words or nicknames.
These are our bodies, these are our lives, given to us by our God. We do not need to be afraid to say things as they are.

Step 3: Teach your children the Real purpose of their body parts: What they are to be used for now as well as in the future after they have made Marital Covenants. The gifts and parts that they have been blessed with are special. They are meant to be kept sacred and safe.

Step 4: Teach your children the sacred responsibilities they have toward their body and spirit.
It harms your spirit when you harm your body. This is something your child will understand.

This is not something to be brought up once and moved passed. It is so much more important than that. Please-teach your children in a way of truth.

A great recourse I have found while looking over opinions, ideas, and factual research is found at this link A Parent's Guide . Please feel free to look over this as it may be something that could be beneficial to you and your family. 

Dating :)

The goal of all aspiring members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is to become more like Christ. We accomplish (or at least try to accomplish) this by learning from Christ’s perfect example. We have been taught throughout our experience within the gospel that men are to Preside, Provide and Protect.
Within our dating experience, we learn that dates are meant to be planned, paid for, and paired-off.
Do you see the resemblance?
Look again.

Planned ↔↔↔↔Preside↠ Real Men are to be the leader within a date. They plan to watch out for you and your family, they plan to be there for their wife and family, they plan family prayer & family home evening, they plan to Preside.

Paid for→→→→Provide↠ Real Men pay for dates showing they will provide, they are to be the soul provider for your household.

Paired-off↣↣↣↣Protect↠ Real Men protect you from the world, they protect us from each other if one were to ever overstep, they stand closest to the road, they stand up and walk out of inappropriate movies, they talk you up no matter your personal thoughts on yourself.

Don't settle for anything less than a real Man.