Divorce & Remariage

My parents divorced when I was five years old. My experience was different from some as this event in our history is celebrated rather than sad.  

I have dreamed many dreams about my mom remarrying and having a daddy. It has been my fantasy to join my mom and my 'perfect' step dad at the alter in the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. Me and my seven siblings would be adopted by this perfect man and we would live happily ever after with more love and forehead kisses than we could have imagined.

This was the plan. The perfect plan.

I am sure you already know that life never goes as planned or expected. It actually took fifteen years-75% of my life for my mom to find me a daddy. By this time I am out of the house and over eighteen so there is no point to legally adopt. My older siblings are sealed to their spouses and families so there is no point for that either. 

It's not that my Heavenly Father is a dream crusher. At first, I will admit, I may have thought that, but in fact-everything has worked out the way it was and is meant to. My mom was sealed to her husband just over two weeks ago. I am working to create a safe and beautiful relationship with the man I now have the privilege to call dad.

It isn't what I had planned, but it works. 

Research suggests that it takes at least two years for combined families to become one. I believe that to be true and it will most likely be the case for many of my siblings. For them my dad will most likely be what a step parent is supposed to be- a warm, friendly, fantastic and exceptional communicator, counselor, and friend. 

Purposes of Parenting

Parenting is meant to protect & prepare our children to strive & thrive in the world we live in.

Child's
Mistaken                                                                                                     Parental
Approach:                                              Need:                                           Approach:

Undue attention                                Contact & Belonging                   Offer Contact Freely
Seeking

Rebellion                                           Power                                         Teach children to
Controlling                                                                                            contribute

Revenge                                             Protection                                 Assertiveness & Forgiveness
                                                                                                            (How do we teach this? - model                                                                                                                it, encourage it & accept it.)

Undue Avoidance                              Withdrawal                              Take a break & Come back

Undue Risk Taking                            Challenge                                 Model & encourage skill building


Parenting is not just for children.
Parents:
*develop divine attributes
*learn how to understand children
*have a better understanding of God
*provides order to our lives
*facilitates Maturation

Children:
*individual needs
*support system
*fill attachment needs
*growth focus
*inter-generational connections

Parents can change the world.

Fathers and Forehead kisses.

A controversial topic in our lives today is the role of fathers. The world is starting to lean toward not needing fathers at all. All they do or can do is impregnate women anyway right? Isn't that right?

I disagree. Wholeheartedly.

I have spent my entire life without a father in my home. My biological father is not what a father is intended to be. Rather than providing, protecting and presiding, he caused damage. He did things that it has taken me my hole life to move passed so that I could start moving forward.
My parents were divorced when I was young. Since then, I have been searching for the love of a father. The love only a father can give you. The one that provides safety, a shoulder, love for my mother, and forehead kisses.
I have craved that love and thought I would never be blessed with such a blessing.

Until one day, my eyes were opened. I was speaking with a woman whom I love dearly. I had talked previously with a man whom, although he has no obligation to do so, has stepped in to show me love and support in my life. While speaking with this sweet woman, she recalled a conversation she had had with the man I was speaking with earlier. As their conversation progressed, this man turned to this woman and said, "I feel so bad for the man who decided not to have Jorja for his daughter."

As you can probably guess, I started to weep. I noticed for the first time, something I had not thought of before. My father is suffering just as much, if not more for the choices he made to get him where he is. He is at a loss. He is the one missing out.

After this experience, I looked at my father in a hole new light. Instead of anger, I felt compassion. Instead of hurt, I felt gratitude. Instead of hate-forgiveness.
My father, biology aside, is not a father. He is not my father.

A father is meant to preside, provide, and protect. He is meant to love and be loved.

I have many fathers in my life. Men that do more than fulfill their own family obligations. No, they go far past above and beyond. They do all they can for their families and then they look elsewhere to fill in any gaps left by another.

Communication

Within every type of communication there is a step by step process. This can happen almost instantly or within an amount of time.
The steps include the following process. Person 1 expresses some form of communication. That communication is encoded with some form of medium which is then decoded by person 2. Person 2 has a thought or feeling in response to the communication they decoded. Then with another form of medium, their response is encoded to person 1 and the process continues over and over again.

The problem with our communication is that it is so easy to take things in a way that they were not meant. Especially through the different mediums we have in our day (email, text, over the phone, in person).

This is when the five secrets (that aren't so secret) of communication come in handy.
The five secrets come in 3 parts -E(Empathy) A(Assertiveness) R(Respect)

Empathy:
1. Disarming Technique [Find a Kernel of truth in what is said or communicated & focus on that.]
2. Empathy [Thought & feeling of emotions]
3. Inquiry [This is a gentle inquiry to understand what was being communicated.]

Assertiveness:
4. I Feel Statement. [When...............I feel...................because..................... I would like................]

Respect:
5. Expressing genuine appreciation & admiration

It can be easy to respond with anger to communication from others. Instead, I would challenge you to use these steps and secrets. I know it may seem awkward or uncomfortable in the beginning, but the more you practice these things, the better and more comfortable you will become. I promise you, something good will come of this.

It's All In The Way We Perceive

Ruben Hill has a four piece theory for crisis events and/or stress in our lives.
His theory, called ABCX looks like this:

His thinking in creating this model is that our life events do not create stress; Our feelings toward such events create the results we have made them to be.

Samuel Clemens said, "I have suffered many catastrophes in my life. Many of which never occurred."
In many cases we are perceiving experiences as having a greater impact than need be.

For example,
I was chatting with my sister the other day about how things were going. She confided in me that she was full of anger and resentment toward another of our sisters for giving her advice and putting a foot in her life as though she could not handle it herself. She said, "She thinks she has things all figured out, and because her life is perfect and mine isn't, she has to fix me and organize my life."
My advice for this sister was to talk to the sister that was bothering her and tell her how her words had hurt her.
She followed this advice and returned to me later saying that she had perceived it all wrong. The sister she had been angry with was only sharing her concern and love for her sister. She had been through a similar situation and hoped to be of some help.
What was perceived as mean and hurtful was meant to be full of love and care for her sister.

In order to avoid stress or having our life experiences becoming a crisis is to teach ourselves to react differently. To react the way we would want to if we were able to step back and see the hole picture.
Start small, rather than responding with tears-try smiling. Instead of telling yourself you are going to fail your test, tell your face to tell your head that you will try your best. Instead of seeing your sister as big-headed and arrogant, try giving her a hug and telling her you love her.
Think twice before responding how you normally would.

It is not our fault that we have these misconceptions. We have probably learned to do this throughout our other life experiences. What we need to do now is have our thought and then change our feelings regarding that thought. It will become easier with practice.

When is the Right Time to Start Teaching Your Kids??

The Birds and the Bees.
This is most often a (singular) talk that many parents are apprehensive and concerned about. Why wouldn't they be? If this is something that was not commonly talked about in your home as a child, I can see how anyone would be anxious to bring it up.
In my own home, I remember one conversation my mom had with all eight of us at the same time. We were all at different ages and therefore different levels of understanding. At the time I was between nine and ten years old. Having this conversation was incredibly uncomfortable for me. So much so that I felt sick to my stomach. I was getting more and more agitated by the things I was hearing and of course there had to be that one sibling who wouldn't stop asking questions...

This is not how it needs to be. There are better ways!
Professionals have stated that children need to start learning these important life facts by age 4, if not earlier.
The next most often asked question is. "How?" "How do we go about it?" "How is this done?"

Step 1: Teach your children how precious they are to you.
This does not mean just showing them by doing things for them that they don't always recognize as acts of love. Actually Tell them how you feel.

Step 2: Train yourself to Be Honest-Don't swerve around the words that the world teaches us to have "shy away" feelings about. Use proper terms and names, do not make up words or nicknames.
These are our bodies, these are our lives, given to us by our God. We do not need to be afraid to say things as they are.

Step 3: Teach your children the Real purpose of their body parts: What they are to be used for now as well as in the future after they have made Marital Covenants. The gifts and parts that they have been blessed with are special. They are meant to be kept sacred and safe.

Step 4: Teach your children the sacred responsibilities they have toward their body and spirit.
It harms your spirit when you harm your body. This is something your child will understand.

This is not something to be brought up once and moved passed. It is so much more important than that. Please-teach your children in a way of truth.

A great recourse I have found while looking over opinions, ideas, and factual research is found at this link A Parent's Guide . Please feel free to look over this as it may be something that could be beneficial to you and your family. 

Dating :)

The goal of all aspiring members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is to become more like Christ. We accomplish (or at least try to accomplish) this by learning from Christ’s perfect example. We have been taught throughout our experience within the gospel that men are to Preside, Provide and Protect.
Within our dating experience, we learn that dates are meant to be planned, paid for, and paired-off.
Do you see the resemblance?
Look again.

Planned ↔↔↔↔Preside↠ Real Men are to be the leader within a date. They plan to watch out for you and your family, they plan to be there for their wife and family, they plan family prayer & family home evening, they plan to Preside.

Paid for→→→→Provide↠ Real Men pay for dates showing they will provide, they are to be the soul provider for your household.

Paired-off↣↣↣↣Protect↠ Real Men protect you from the world, they protect us from each other if one were to ever overstep, they stand closest to the road, they stand up and walk out of inappropriate movies, they talk you up no matter your personal thoughts on yourself.

Don't settle for anything less than a real Man.

Love in Greek

If you speak a foreign language, you may have noticed that there are commonly more than one word for love. It is likewise in Greek-there are four different words for love, each differing in meaning.

Agape- charitable & serviceable love

Phillia- friendship or brotherly love

Eros- love between man and woman

Storge- the kind of love God has for his children-life sacrificing love

Which love do you want to see between you and your spouse? Now remember- You can't just love a person, you need to like them too.

Relationships ;)

I feel like this is a dreaded topic. When the words dating, marriage or relationship come up, we automatically tune out. Or maybe that's just me...

Recently however, I have found that there is a lot we can learn about ourselves and those we are attempting to have a relationship with by looking at these topics through different eyes.

The author and public speaker, John Van Epp has some wonderful insights regarding relationships. One of his ideas that impacted me was his equation on really knowing someone. He stated it as the following:

  TOGETHER  [This includes a wide variety of shared activities.]
           TALK    [Not just chit-chat, but Mutual Self-Disclosure]
 +        TIME    [He has an idea that you cannot begin to know someone until you have been together at least 3 months.]
---------------------------------------
        KNOW

Another idea I have heard is four seasons and a road trip. Each individual responds differently in different circumstances and situations. A great way to really find out if you know someone is to see them in different seasons as well as enjoying a nice long road trip together where all you have to do is sing along with the radio and listen to each other talk. There is more you need to know about a person beside how well they can cook or how well someone studies (when you are around). Really get to know you they are to-the-core.

Van Epp also created what he calls the RAM diagram. It is the following:

KNOW           TRUST          RELY         COMMIT      TOUCH
     -                      -                   -                         -                 -
     x                      -                   -                        -                 -
     -                       x                  -                        -                 -
     -                       -                   x                       -                 -
     -                       -                   -                        x                -
     -                       -                   -                        -                 x
     -                       -                   -                        -                 -

Explanation:
This is the order in which your relationship should progress. You need to know someone before you can trust them. The more you get to know them the more you either trust them or know to distrust them.
Once you have built a foundation of trust, you know you can rely on them. Once you continue your relationship-you are always getting to know them better-you can truly commit yourself to someone. Then and only then you can move forward with the last progression step.
Why is touch the last?
The feelings that come with touching- whether that means holding hands, hugging, locking lips, or cuddling affect the way we think. If the physical aspect of the relationship is good, we have the ability to put up "blinders"for the other things that are important.

I ave really enjoyed learning from John Van Epp. I think he really has something. This is just the beginning of what he has to teach us.
If you are interested in any additional information regarding John Van Epp or his insights and theories regarding such topics, I would recommend looking into reading his book, How to avoid falling in love with a Jerk. You can find out more about this book through the following short video.
John Van Epp: How to avoid falling in Love with a Jerk

Celebrate Our Differences

The Lord created each of us. 
Our differences, desires, interests, imperfections, values, personalities. We are who we are for a purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5
 "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee,..."

D&C 138:56
Even before they were born, they, with many others, received their first lessons in the world of spirits and were prepared to come forth in the due time of the Lord to labor in his vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men.

Elder David A Bednar explained, “[Gender] in large measure defines who we are, why we are here upon the earth, and what we are to do and become. For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary. … The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness” (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” Liahona, June 2006, 51; Ensign, June 2006, 83).

Don't you see? There is no shame in being Y.O.U.

Short or tall.
Wide or thin.
Red hair or blonde.
Arts or Science.
Tennis or basketball.
Ephraim or Manasseh.
Blue eyed or brown.
Young or old.
Big Mac or plant based.
Single or married.
Canvas or wood.
Only child or one of 8.
Spontaneous or steady.
Male or female.

We all have a purpose.

Fatherless Homes

As the deputy sheriffs finish their morning briefing in Sherwood Pictures’ new film Courageous, the sheriff announces one last item.

"I received an email", he tells them, "and I want you to know about it. The violent gang members, run-away's, high school dropouts, and teens in prison—the sorts of kids who get into trouble with the law—have something in common: Most of them are from fatherless homes.”

“When a father is absent,” he goes on, “kids are five times more likely to commit suicide or use drugs. They’re twenty times more likely to wind up in prison. So tonight after you clock out,” he adds, “go home and love your families.”

The Lord intended both father and mother to reside within the home. Try as you might, but life without both parents in the home is not as healthy as it could potentially be. One without the other puts so much weight on the single parent that they are divided. Their energy goes into being the provider rather than the nurturer, the teacher, the support.

Life is not perfect. Situations arise-they always will. What matters is that you did your best. Your children will love you no matter what. I can promise you that. Just do your best-and at the end of the day, forget about the world-Go home and love your families.

Further along in the movie one of the main characters, Adam Mitchell gives a Fathers Day speech. These are just a few of his words:
  "There are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we’ve made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same—and whenever possible, to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives but who desperately need help and direction.

God’s word shows us that God desires for every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there for them or providing for them, he is to walk with them through their young lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in heaven.

Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family? Who will pray for, and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?

In my home, the decision has already been made. You don’t have to ask who will guide my family because, by God’s grace, I will. You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ because I will."

So where are you, men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call God has given you and say,
I will! I will! I will!

Family is Family

In the wise words of Kacey Musgraves and her song writers I would agree, Family is Family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6p5mfBHZuE

Every time I hear this song, I am intrigued by its truthfulness. 

Everyone has different feelings toward their family. We are given the attributes of our parents and our ancestors, but our personality and our character is who we decide to make it. Whether good or bad, it is through the experiences we have within our families that we decide who we want to be. They give us a desire to be exactly or Nothing like them.

-"You might look just like 'em, that don't mean you're like 'em

But you love 'em"

-"Don't get you at all, but your apple don't fall too far from 'em"

With my family, every reunion starts out the same way, I get so excited to gather with my family! Then while I am with them, I remember that they drive me CRAZY. 

Time does wonders for the brain, as after they leave, it isn't long before I am excited to see them again. And-the-loop-just-keeps-a-turnin'. It's like an unspoken rule.

-"You'd wash your hands of them, but blood's always thicker"

-"They're there when you're married, divorced, and remarried
You fall out of touch, but then someone gets buried
And you're right back together like no time has ever gone by"

The choices we make take us down different paths. We become different people, but somehow we always revert back to family. Why? Well, the whole is greater than the strength of its parts.

-"Family is family, in church or in prison
You get what you get, and you don't get to pick 'em
They might smoke like chimneys, but give you their kidneys
Yeah, friends come in handy, but family is family"

You may not even understand why you keep coming back to them, but that doesn't mean you stop.

-"Can't live with or without 'em, you might talk about 'em
But if someone else does, well, then you'll knock 'em out 'cause
When it's all said and done, they're the only ones that you got"

"They might not be fancy, but family is family"

-"You might look just like 'em, that don't mean you're like 'em

But you love 'em"

The Perfect Cake

Just like a cake needs every ingredient to turn out well, the Family as a whole is greater than the strength of its individual members.

Alone, each ingredient is bland, and undesirable, but added to other ingredients, it has the potential to become the perfect recipe.
Just as every ingredient has a purpose, every member of a family has a purpose also.               
Butter works in concert with other ingredients to give baked goods texture. This may be the peacemaker in your home.
Sugar keeps your baked goods soft and moist in addition to adding a sweet flavor. This would most likely be the family member that adds a little extra laughter and lightheartedness in a crazy world.
In addition to their nutritional value, eggs can provide structure, leavening, richness, color, and flavor to baked products. This would most likely be the head of your family, however in some cases it could be an older sibling. -The one who wants to keep everyone close and encourages time together.
Vanilla enhances all the other flavors in the recipe. Without it, cookies and cakes tend to taste flat and bland. This is the family member that keeps things interesting.
Flour provides structure. Structure is good. This has the potential to be the rule setter in your family. It could also be the family member that provides an example for others to follow.
Baking Powder is a leavening agent that causes batter to rise. This would be the family member that encourages you to do your best, and they are always there for you when you need a little extra lovins.
The purpose for salt is to enhance the flavor of the other ingredients. Its presence perks up the depth and complexity of other flavors as the ingredients meld as well as balancing the sweetness in a recipe. This would most likely be the family member who balances our the sweet by adding a little bit of unexpected spontaneity to your life.
Milk creates a strong batter, capable of rising and withstanding the rigors of baking. This is the person that holds you up when life gets to be more than you can handle.

Any one of these ingredients alone, although wonderful, cannot be fully useful or substantial in purpose without the other ingredients.

It doesn't just end there.
In some cases, you need substitutes. Whether the reasons be for dietary needs or otherwise. (Divorce or other family dynamics) A good substitution, depending on your situation may be whole wheat flour. 
Some of us may have added members to our family. Added family members whether married or adopted into your family are like ice-cream to go with your cake, these individuals enhance the overall flavor of the cake. 
This will most likely be different for you. Every cake is different. Even cakes found in the same bakery can be different, some you will like, others you may be unable to eat.
[My family is more like a fruit cake than anything else... there are a select few that appreciate fruit cakes]
What does your perfect cake look like?

Why Listen to the World, When you can Listen to the Lord?

I have found that there are many people who are more than willing to share their opinion on the topic of how many children one ought to have. I have some thoughts of my own.

One of my cousins, a good friend, is currently pregnant with her 9th baby. I am so excited for her! She is a good mom, who raises wonderful children. I cannot wait to meet this new addition to the family. However, what started out to be wonderfully joyous and happy news for her and her family, has had soul shattering effects. (I'm not even dramatizing.)
She has been stopped an unnumbered amount of times by people she knows as well as complete strangers who rather than wishing her congratulations on this beautiful new blessing, they are showing her their disapproval and disappointment for taking so many of the earths resources. Some just stare and point their nose up, while others want to socially dispute her. 

My mom comes from a family of ten kids. She was hoping for twenty-one of her own, but ended up with eight. :) She, like many others, had been told similar things, lowering her self-esteem and crushing the Joy. 
I know for a fact that my mom would never change the number of kids she has (although she would love more!) every child she has, came as an answer to prayer. She knows she made the right decisions because she counselled with the Lord.

Lets look at some other views on this topic-
As an outcome of a semi-large family, I would not have wanted to grow up any differently. I love large families! (Get together's are priceless!) My mothers legacy as well as the legacy of her parents, grandparents and their ancestors will live on through us! 

A far wiser view: 

Doctrine and Covenants 104:17

17 For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves.

I can understand having an opinion. (Please do so!) What I cannot understand is shaming others for having one of their own.

---Please, don't let anyone take away from your happy. 

Let's all let each other live our own lives. I don't believe it matters: the number of kids you have. As long as you keep the Lord in the decision making, his opinion is the only one that really matters. After all, he has it all planned out. And after God, who is anyone to say anything?  

This is Me.

My name is Jorja Ann Cook. 
I was born on April 14th to a courageous, hardworking, spontaneous, giggle inflictor I like to call my mom. 
I have five sisters and two brothers, each of whom I am very close to. 
I am a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love the gospel and the meaning it brings to my life.
Some of my favorite things include spending time with my family, going on outrageous or spontaneous adventures, making things look beautiful, keeping organized, hearing people laugh, traveling, and playing with my two beautiful nephews. 
I love the smell of freshly cut grass, having a clean house, hanging laundry on the line, going on camping trips, climbing waterfalls, riding horses, long road trips and trying new things.
I spend most of my time learning to live life one day at a time. -And enjoying it.

                                    My nephew (Malakai) and me. My nephew is the one on the left... ;)